French Onion Dip Power Ranking

and other summer favorites

I can't stop thinking about French onion dip. I first tried it this summer and, like every movie a man quotes, it seems to have passed me by for the entirety of my life thus far. Now that I have found this perfect snack, I think about all the other times in my life I wish I had had it. Like the six weeks last fall when I decided I liked football, and, being blessed enough to have a girlfriend, she took it as an excuse to make every football snack imaginable. Wings, crudité, nachos, buffalo chicken in every possible textural form (whipped, winged, I wish I had another w word here to express a buffalo chicken preparation). A pumpkin spiced candle burned in the background while we assembled various combinations of Brooklyn friends who had also never watched football and wanted to discuss the sociopolitical implications of CTE. French onion dip, you would've loved those days. I’m making up for all the lost moments with French onion dip by trying nearly every French onion dip I’ve come across this summer. Here are the results.

French Onion Dip Power Ranking

1. Kalona Supernatural French Onion Dip I met her once in a natural grocers in Colorado. Because there is no natural grocers in the tristate area I know I won’t see her again for a long time. She had a respectful, subtle onion flavor with a sour cream finish. It led my sister in law to say “Wow. I didn't realize I liked French onion dip.” (direct quote)

2. Helluva Good French Onion Dip It’s like saying you need a bandaid when you need a bandaid or a qtip when you need a qtip. You get the point, its genre defining.

3. Boar’s Head Greek Yogurt French Onion Dip I really love this one. It might be because the greek yogurt gives it more of a subtly sour finish but it also may be because I have lost my mind.

4. President Pub Cheese If you haven’t had it, it’s the bright orange spreadable cheese that is usually stocked near the French onion dip. Though definitely not a French onion dip, it will inevitably be better than any of the dips lower on this ranking.

5. Frito Lay French Onion Dip It’s kept unrefrigerated in the chip aisle and inexplicably comes in a cardboard container. Nothing about this makes sense. In general, I’m not a fan of unrefrigerated dairy unless I truly have no other options.

6. Whole Foods Roasted Onion Dip It’s sweet, not sour. It just doesn’t give you that contrast you need. You’re probably better off with any other snack.

If you’d like to continue your exploration to include the best chips for French onion dip, I find the best accompanying chip is any one with ridges except for Ruffles. Ruffles feels a bit too far removed from a potato to really be workable. It feels like they’ve mixed something in like maybe essence of decomposed cardboard.

I also really like stickers. For some reason I feel the need to come out and say that. I was blessed to take a cross country plane ride with my 18 month old nephew this summer and, for once, I felt normal about the fact that I keep about ten sticker varieties tucked into my journal at all times. It saved the last hour of our flight. In case you’d like to buy stickers for the children in your life or man up and admit that you also love stickers, the best sticker brand is Mrs. Grossman’s.

FINALLY on the list of things that have randomly changed my life this summer is the Brick. I forget which random tech bro I am affiliated with mentioned this to me (shoutout love u <3) but Brick is a small grey square about the size of an AirPods case that you tap to your phone. Upon tap, it disables anything on your phone that you deem distracting. For example, you can disable social media and safari and leave email, google maps or anything else you deem useful in your day. I really like the flexibility of getting to choose what apps you want to block. Once its bricked you can give it to your friend or partner to take to work for the day or leave it in a drawer. I did misplace my Brick yesterday and have found myself permanently locked out of 75% of my phone but that’s a problem for tomorrow.

something to read

It might be too creepy to advertise this but I started reading Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower on July 20, 2024. If you know you know. If you haven’t read it, it’s a must.

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I’ll be a Teaching Fellow at the Desert Nights Rising Stars conference in October, leading a generative workshop about writing sex through a sex educator’s lens. Nicole Sealy, writer of one of my truly favorite poems, will be the keynote. More info here. If you’re in the area, I would love to see you there!

Zoe