Q: How do I stop crying post-orgasm?

& other sex ed questions answered

This month feels heavy in so many ways. With the deaths in Palestine and Israel and Maine, it feels difficult to let anything in besides grief and humble attempts at taking action. I’m sending love to all those grieving.

Today, we have an anonymous question from someone who was kind enough to ask a question that I think a lot of us can relate to in one way or another (wanting pain to end, going through a breakup, grieving). Here goes -

anonymous question:

I recently went through a break up. With my ex-boyfriend, I used to cry immediately after orgasming maybe only 3% of the time and because I felt overwhelmed by the tender emotion of it all. Now, when I masturbate, I start crying immediately after orgasming 100% of the time. I’ve even tried orgasming multiple times in one session to see if by the second or third orgasm I’m less likely to cry and sometimes as the second one builds I’m like this is fine I’m gonna be fine but boom 1-2 seconds after orgasming I’m sobbing. It’s awful. How can I get rid of this crying-after-cumming situation? Any ideas? 

answer:

Thank you for trusting me with this question. I think of an orgasm as the body’s attempt to release something. Sometimes that thing that gets released is tension or pleasure. In this case, it sounds like what is getting released is sadness. Orgasms are controlled by the involuntary nervous system, meaning our conscious brains have very little control of the actual physical manifestation of an orgasm. That lack of control leaves a lot of space for the subconscious, magical zone of our bodies to release what needs to be released. It sounds like right now what your body needs to release is grief about the end of this relationship. I wish I could offer you some sort of shortcut to make this pain go away but, unfortunately, the only way out is through. It sounds like the best way through right now is to cry and cry until the day comes when the grief from losing this relationship is less vivid. Slowly, likely without you even noticing, the tears after orgasm will go away on their own. 

In the meantime, if you want to get those feel good hormones like oxytocin and serotonin that orgasming offers without the guaranteed tears, you could get a massage, walk the dog, help someone with a chore or go to a hot yoga. But I can’t guarantee that you won’t feel equally miserable and teary during those activities. Most of all, I’m so sorry that you are in pain and I’m sending you so much love.

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Something to read:

Naomi Shihab Nye Three Suns 

Something to write:

On Sunday the clocks will change back and we’ll enter the darkest period of the year. Take seven minutes and write a character that lives completely in the dark.

Submit a sex ed question anonymously here. If I haven’t answered your question yet, I promise I will in a future newsletter! For new subscribers, more info on how I answer sex ed questions can be found here. Also, a special thank you to everybody who encouraged someone to subscribe last month - the goal was to get to 250 subscribers for the first year and we’re at 255 subscribers!