pleasure lists + how to be casual

greetings from a slow summer

Greetings!!

This summer, a few things knocked me back into a slower pace than I’d been envisioning. I’ve found myself recommitting to routines and slow pleasures. I’ve been loving this instagram of handwritten pleasure lists. It brought me back to a list I first created in my phone a few years ago. In a moment of desperation, I made a note in my phone titled, What do I like. Below it I wrote, don’t like. In some ways, I think everything I’ve created or changed about my life in the past few years first appeared in one of these lists.

anonymous q&a

In this section, I answer questions anonymously submitted by readers of this substack. If you'd like to submit your own question, link here!

Question:

I was in a long term relationship for many years and now want to learn to be casual in my dating life but I don't know how. I want to have fun and not take things so seriously. How does one become casual and fun?

— sincerely too serious

Answer:

Thank you so much for asking this question. I’m excited for you!

First things first, I’d start out by defining what casual means to you (our dear Chappell Roan perfectly described the wide ranging definitions of casual in her song of the summer, Casual). Next, spend some time thinking about how you’d like to be treated in a casual relationship. All relationships should have things like respect and consent even if they’re casual.

For guidance in navigating casual relationships, it can be helpful to look to people practicing non-monogamy, who can be really successful at having casual flings with clear boundaries. Even if you don’t plan to be non-monogamous in the short or long term, a lot of the tools of non-monogamy like clear communication and expectation setting can be helpful when learning how to enjoy casual relationships. Exploring a dating app like The Feeld where people are super up front about what they’re looking for might filter you towards people looking for similarly casual arrangements.

Being in a casual relationship with someone can also go really great with developing a mindfulness practice. Casual relationships belong squarely in the present moment while more serious relationships tend to marry both the present and building for the future. Mindfulness can help you stay in the present moment with whoever you’re seeing.

At the end of the day, getting attached to someone you’re intimate with is totally normal. Attachment is exactly what our bodies are wired for so while I’m offering some tools to enjoy casual relationships, if it doesn’t work for you that’s totally cool! Be kind to yourself either way <3

something to read

For the second installment of my summer reading list, I give you my ballot for the NYTimes best books of the 21st century. As almost all the reading I’ve done in my life fits into the 21st century, I found myself reflecting on the books that have defined my life so far. The first book I remember haunting me was LOVE YOU FOREVER (yes, the title was in all caps which makes it somehow all the more heartbreaking), a children’s book about a baby growing up to care for his aging mother.

Allowing that LOVE YOU FOREVER was published in the 1980’s, here’s my ballot for 21st century standouts:

If you’re looking for a great substack read, my brilliant sibling-in-law Julia started a newsletter this week. In it, they’ll be talking about the experience of parenting while queer and trans. Subscribe here.

Until next time!

Zoe