sex ed questions answered #2
Can I decide that I'm done with that chapter of my life?
Hi!
I LOVE reading advice columns. I used to rush to read them in the Boston Globe my parents got delivered each morning. Between bites of cereal, I would devour every detail of how Luann from Medford should best address her yelping dog next door. As I’ve gotten older and my media consumption has expanded from the paper on my parent’s kitchen table, there still seems to be an endless supply of advice columns everywhere I look. There are advice segments in most podcasts I listen to and in the “Ask me anything” section of my favorite influencer’s instagram stories. As a culture, we seem to be endlessly obsessed with getting advice from strangers, and getting little windows into question askers problems.
When training to be a sex educator, I learned to answer questions in a way that is compassionate and values neutral (for more on this training, see my past newsletter). In the many advice columns that I’ve read, I’ve noticed that many writers of advice columns take it as an opportunity to flex their own “good” character. At worst, I’ve seen advice columns that shame the question asker for struggling with what they’re struggling with and provide shoddy facts. It’s always so sad for me to picture the question asker on the other side, alone, filled with even more shame after reading a judgmental answer from someone they respect enough to ask a question of.
A lot us (most of us I'd argue) didn't get the sex ed we deserved. Or, maybe even if we did get the sex ed we deserved, we've gotten more queer, more curious, more monogamous, less monogamous, more free, more afraid, more guilty, or more riddled with obligation since then. I hope by answering more questions in this newsletter, I can speak to that part in each of us that's always growing and could use a little compassion from a sex educator.
If you’d like to get a question answered in future newsletters, please write it here.
Q: I feel like I have no prospects for having sex with another person. I'm tired of desiring things that I can't have. Can I decide that I'm done with that chapter of my life? Can people decide that they don't want to have sex? If I decide I don't want to have sex is that permanent? - Done
Dear Done,
Thank you for trusting me with this question.
The short answers to your questions are - Yes, you can decide you are done having sex. Yes, people can decide that they don't want to have sex. No, your choice to have sex does not have to be permanent.
I define sexuality as an all encompassing term related to how someone feels about their own body, their desires and behaviors. This includes a person’s attitudes towards sex, gender identity, body image, and fantasies. This might seem obvious because almost nothing in the human experience is static but a defining point of a person’s sexuality is it is always changing. A person’s body image may change throughout their life, say, for example, when they have a child and their confidence grows and they’re amazed by what their body is capable of. So too can our sexual desires change. But there seems to be so much pressure throughout our lives to pick one identity or attitude towards sex. There is no pressure. Decide you don't want sex, make it your entire personality, say it's forever. Then change your mind two years later. Or don’t!
There seems to be another part of your question that I want to address. This bit about being tired of desiring things that you can't have. This implies that you desire sex but want to stop desiring it. In this, is the suggestion that if you declare you don't want sex, you'll stop wanting it all together and also feel empowered in that process of not wanting it. If this does happen, how wonderful! Unfortunately, a banished feeling is still a very real feeling. So if you desire sex but fear you can't have it, the remedy might be to feel that feeling. To nurture it, ask what it needs and feed it in other ways.
I'd also challenge you to consider a more expansive definition of sex. In the 2023 legislative sessions, many conservative state houses were trying to codify into law a strict and extremely narrow definition of sex. It's interesting to watch conservative lawmakers work because they seem to make explicit everything that's been pushed on us implicitly since we were young. As a sex educator, I define sex as any sexual activity that brings a person pleasure. I encourage this person to create their own definition and by all means decide they want nothing to do with it. Or, explore how to satisfy the desire for sex in creative ways.
Something to write: What's one thing you want very badly?
Write for 5 minutes about it. Then, imagine you get exactly what you want. Write for 5 minutes from the perspective of you after you get exactly what you want. What would you tell the version of yourself without it?
Something to read: Reckless Poem, Mary Oliver
Part of my job is teaching in New York City parks. Being outside every day, I felt like I could watch spring come bit by bit. A red breasted robin, magnolia trees blossoming. Still, it didn’t change that flurried feeling when one day almost all the blossoms were gone and replaced by the green vibrancy of early may. I find myself returning to Mary Oliver’s poetry a lot lately because she manages to capture the feeling of early spring in so many of her poems.
Have a great month! <3
Love,
Zoe
I LOVE advice columns!!
I loved the column today and the Mary Oliver poem was just perfect. I will share the column with friends. Have a good week - Look forward to the next column.