spring!sun!sexed!

welcoming spring & answering reader questions on partnered orgasm

in this newsletter: steps for welcoming spring, anonymous q&a, and a reading rec

On Sunday it hit sixty degrees and sunny in Brooklyn. Prospect Park’s long meadow was filled with people laying sheets or towels or fancy little blankets on wet ground that was still cold to the touch. Clear signs of spring came in the form of Park Slope dads wrangling toddlers back to their blanket and girls in doc martens stripping down to their bralettes and reading thick books with the covers ripped off. For me, this season feels like a renewal so it’s when I set resolutions for the coming year. Some ideas for you:

anonymous q&a

(for more on how I answer anonymous questions, see here. My advice isn’t a substitute for talking to a medical professional or therapist)

Question: I have never had an orgasm with a partner. I can sometimes (but not always) get off on my own, but I'm never even close with another person. I have endometriosis and am on an SSRI so it often feels like its just not even worth trying because the odds aren't in my favor, but at some point it would be nice to enjoy partnered sex (it's always been neutral to bad for me). Thoughts/advice?!

Answer:

Thank you for trusting me with this question. This is such a common question that so many will relate to so I’m really glad you asked it.

My first piece of advice is to take the pressure off orgasming. The idea that sex is a build up to a dramatic climax and a quick resolution is very much based on the way that the male reproductive system experiences climax. (Side note: the plot arc in a story is also based on the male reproductive system, it’s interesting to think about what a more feminine mode of storytelling might look like). The sexual cycle is much more fluid in the female reproductive system, it ebbs and flows and one “high point” is harder to detect. What if your focus turned to finding pleasure in any part of the sexual experience rather than just the climax?

Now, forgetting for a moment the orgasm, let’s look at the who/what/when/where of when you do experience pleasure. 

It’s wonderful that you sometimes enjoy solo sex. Just to hype that up, that’s a perfectly legitimate way to experience pleasure in this life. Let’s look at the circumstances of when orgasm happens. What’s your mood going into it? Is there anything in particular you do to set the mood or distract yourself? Where are you? Do you like to be cozy and all set up or do you like to surprise yourself? Are there certain toys or lubes you use when alone but not with a partner? Is there a way that you can mimic some of these circumstances when you’re with a partner? Having the same set up when you’re with a partner could prime your brain to feeling ready to have that same pleasurable experience with a partner.  

Who is the partner? Is it someone you’re really comfortable with or someone you’ve just met? For some, it can be hard to orgasm if there isn’t emotional intimacy. For others, sex can be great with people they don’t have emotional intimacy with. It’s really up to you to figure out where that balance is. If you’re having sex with someone you’re partnered with, take the pressure off orgasming with that person and focus on experiencing pleasure with that person no matter what that looks like. Give each other massages, go to get foot massages together, eat a really good cake. If experiencing pleasure together in a relationship is normalized, it can be easier to do so during a sexual experience.

I also really encourage seeking out the support of a sex therapist that can give really targeted advice on endometriosis and SSRI’s. Because people have such a wide ranging experiences related to both of those, I didn’t want to make assumptions and focus too much on that here. 

Thanks again for such a great question! 

submit your anonymous question here

something to read:

I’m currently reading Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald for school (a novel set in the summer like previously mentioned) and My Sister, the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite

Have a great start to your spring, see you next month <3