valentine's day break ups

& other reader-submitted quandries

Feb 14, 2024

in the newsletter this month: a love-related advice column, love poems for your valentine & a writing prompt

Four years ago, I bought bright pink Doc Martens with heart shaped buckles on a trip to New York. To be frank, they are ugly and I have only worn them four times, on each Valentine’s Day since. My life was really different then. I tepidly wanted to live a more queer and expressive life but felt depressed with no road map. Wearing these on Valentine’s Day in the basement of the NYU library where, later today, my story will be workshopped by Joyce Carol Oates before my girlfriend makes us heart shaped ravioli, feels like such a celebration of how far I’ve come in actualizing this dream I had for myself and the many heartbreaks and low points it took to get here.

I could’ve picked any question you all so generously asked in my anonymous questions box this month. Being a sex ed newsletter, most questions you all have asked have to do with love, relationships and sex. As a reminder, I mix the protocol I learned as a sex educator for answering anonymous questions with some personal writerly love. These words shouldn’t substitute seeking help from a professional. xxx

anonymous question

What are signs in a relationship that a break up is the right next step? How do you know if you should get back together with this person afterwards?

answer

S and I are long distance best friends so we don’t generate a lot of new content together. My AirPods are busted and she’s pretty much the only person I can talk to while I clean the bathroom sink or take out the trash without complaining about the awful background noises. We tend to go over things that have happened to us again and again in a sort of collective rumination that’s often more helpful than I’ve made it sound here. In conversations we have, we often go over the many break ups we’ve gone through to get us where were are, in relationships with people we really love. We can often trace the path of how relationships that weren’t quite right got us to the relationships we’re in now. But, the other day, S introduced a new thread. She said, I don’t think we would be as close at this point if you hadn’t broken up with person X. At first I met that with a little indignation. Really? We wouldn’t be as close? Why? She said, You would be so stuck and it would be so tiring to pretend we both didn’t know the reason. (Yes, it is a blessing to have a bestie this direct). I had thought of the fact that a relationship that’s wrong or past its due can block your relationship with yourself but I hadn’t quite put together that a relationship that’s not right can block your relationship to yourself, other people and the true path you’re meant to be on.

Now, not to worry. Over the years, S and I and almost all of our friends have had a life altering break up or three. We’ve developed some rules of thumb that might help you in deciding whether it’s time to break up. [I’d like to preface these “rules” with two huge disclaimers. If there is any abuse occurring in a relationship, it’s time to break up. Period. See here for more resources on leaving unsafe relationships. Also, anxiety related to relationships is very real. If you’re someone who deals with this, I really encourage you to a) stop reading this because it might only be adding fuel to your rumination fire and b) work with a mental health professional who can help you piece through your feelings and values and fears and forge a path forward that honors your brain.] Strategies for deciding when to break up:

Write about what your dream life could look like. Imagine for a minute that you had no fear and the world opened up for you. Your dream life is right here in front of you. Can you picture this person in it? Would they understand it? Would they think it’s weird? Would they be asking to go home, to your past life, the one that doesn’t truly fit you anymore?
If you could push a button and it was done— the initial heart breaking conversation, the moving out, the explaining yourself to everyone else in your life, the friendships lost or changed, the inevitable period of grief— and be transported to that first day, maybe six months or a year after the fact where the sun is shining and you can say with such relief that you did it, would you press that button?
In economics, there’s this principle called the sunk cost theory (S is an economist so she gets credit for this one). The sunk cost theory proposes that costs you’ve incurred shouldn’t determine the decisions you make moving forward. Now, I can’t say whether that theory makes sense from a financial perspective but, especially in this time of life, where people are tacking on some real time in their 6 or 9 or 12 year relationships, I so often hear people express things like, But we’ve put so much time in—Can we really just let it all go? As though the relationship they’ve spent years on is going to be left fully formed in a cold room while you move on, somehow emptier. Love alchemizes. Relationships aren’t necessarily trashed, they can be composted and something new can form with the lessons you’ve learned.
The person you’re hurting will be much better off sitting across the table from someone who chooses them with a clear, resounding yes.

In terms of your question about getting back together, it takes a LOT of gumption to go through with a break up. Honor all the effort it took you to break up by not talking for a month and not getting back together for at least three. Immediately getting back together after you break up is like asking yourself to knit a beautiful sweater and then immediately unraveling each stitch.

Sending you so much love in your decision making, dear reader. Remember, there is no rush. You will find your heart either way <3

something to read

I recently read this poem on a bench with my Madeline (who also writes a dope substack) and we agreed it was the most heart-swelling-time-stopping poem we’d read in a while. A love poem for you on this Valentine’s Day:

something to write

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how building opposition into writing can really make the piece sparkle.

Think of one character, name them. Write 5 character traits for them. Build another character by writing 5 opposing traits. If you have a little more time, put them in a scene together.

Thank you for reading! If you have an anonymous question, please submit it here for me to answer in future newsletters.